you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
