I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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