I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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