life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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