2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
