I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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