Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
