I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
