I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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