I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
