I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
