Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
