yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Found the puke drawer
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
