I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
