I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
