Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
