We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I did not marry a roomba.
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