Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
They should really pass out barf bags in church
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
