He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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