I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
