Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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