She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
