the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
