Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
