We won't sleep together?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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