I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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