My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
