I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
