Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
