wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
