hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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