Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
