Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
