mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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