whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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