apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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