he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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