Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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