soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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