Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
