Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
