a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
