Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
