Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
