if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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