1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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