We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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