remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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