dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
