Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
