My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Randomize
