Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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