I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
