I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
