Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
